~ Somewhere Over The Rainbow ~

Lord, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death....

2008-01-14T04:34:57Z

I don't even know where to begin, I just have this need to write about anything and everything, so that's it's just out of my head.

I'm angry, so angry about school, about life, about everything.Angry that school hasn't worked out the way I've wanted it to. Angry that I didn't get to go away to school to experiance something more then here. Angry at the hand that life has dealt me. Angry that I'm jealous of my friends.

Don't get me wrong I love when everyone comes into town because I love that I get to see them, but then it's also a reminder of what I don't get to do. A reminder of what makes me feel like such a failure. I don't get to go to another city, another state, and experiance something different.

I stay home, in sarasota, go to work and pretend that everything is ok, when it is not. I pretend to be strong for my mom, because if I don't then everything falls apart. I watch as the bills pile up around us with never enough money to pay them off. I've seen us lose our house and barely able to pay for the one bedroom apartment we live in now, with our two dogs. And I feel so helpless. I watch her kill herself to try to just make enough to get us by and I'm just not able to help her out enough.

I use to be so optimistic..thinking that eventually things, maybe somehow would get better, and that time has passed. Everyday I feel like I lose more of the little faith that I had left. I'm losing this fight, and I just dont know where I can find the strength anymore.

FAME FOREVER

2007-09-30T08:02:47Z

Reviews came out for the show today in the Sarasota Herald, and my name is in it. That's just crazy to me. It wasn't a great review for the show as a whole, but we're working on it.

I LOVE KIDS!!!!!!

2007-04-22T22:59:41Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLWZZhWMKfM&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fprofile%2Emyspace%2Ecom%2Findex%2Ecfm%3Ffuseaction%3Duser%2Eviewprofile%26friendid%3D41227335

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKwMMCwfZ_s&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fprofile%2Emyspace%2Ecom%2Findex%2Ecfm%3Ffuseaction%3Duser%2Eviewprofile%26friendid%3D93135541

I WATCHED THESE TWO VIDEOS AND NEARLY PISSED MYSELF!

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why can't I?

2007-03-01T05:36:25Z

Yup, it’s official I’m the only one left in Sarasota now, (well, deniz is here, but she leaves in may, so doesn’t count) Jon left for new york this morning, leaving me alone in the SRQ.

Last night we hung out and we were both fine. Helped him pack, talked , joked, and were just our usual selves. When we went to go say goodbye to each other we didn’t even cry. Just said,”I love you” ,“take care” and “call me when you get there.” I talked to him this morning when he was waiting for his transfer flight in ft. Lauderdale and then again when he finally got into new york. Great, I was doing fine.

Then a little bit ago mom and I started talking and she was asking me about jon, like had he gotten to ny safe and what exactly was he going to be doing there. So I explained to her how he was going to work up there and staying with a friend of ours Alex. Then she made the comment, something like
“ I wish that you were able to do something like that.” or “don’t you wish you could do that.” I explained to her that really wasn’t possible because money, my school here and well other things. Mainly me not wanting to leave my mom all alone.

The whole conversation with her just broke me down. She said how sometimes she looks at me and she can see how frustrated I am with things and she just doesn’t understand what? I told her I’m just frustrated with everything, school not going fast enough, not being completely happy where I am, well and so on. I mean, I feel like I’m missing out on something. Everyone else started their lives somewhere else, for school or just moved there, and here I am still. I don’t mind Sarasota, I know this is where I want to live, but I just feel like if I got out of here for like a year, just to give another place a chance, or just to live a little, then maybe, I don’t know, I’d me happier? Just maybe feel like I’ve lived my life a little.

I’ve always been the one who knew what she wanted, had that plan, and now all of a sudden I feel so lost and don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to take a year off of school, but then I think that will only make time go by slower and then I’ll feel behind in school.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so overwhelmed.

"I WISH...I know..."

2007-02-23T05:14:49Z

Today was a bad day.

Work sucked because mom was pissed off at me for God only knows what, so she decided she wasn't going to talk to me for most of the day. Whatever, I can take that, but I hate that job already, so when she's in a mood it just make the day that much worse.

Then like a retard I just start thinking about everything I shouldn't be thinking about right now. I started to think about Brian, and I shouldn't be doing that to myself, but what can I do about it. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I know that I shouldn't and that he's an asshole, not worth a single tear that is rolling down my cheek, but I still do.
Ok, i'm not this huge religious person, but i do believe in God, as some sort of spirit, so God explain to me why it is that i get to sit here with all this pain still inside me, while he gets to live all happily ever after with his girlfriend and be so inlove??? Is this a test?To see if I'm strong enough to handle another time that my heart gets broken. I'm so tired of all these tests, i don't want to have to go through them anymore.

I know that I'm in a better place then i was a year ago today, even six months ago today, but each day still is a struggle. When will things go back to when i just felt normal. That waking up for the day didn't feel like such a challenge for me.

Tonight i started to break down and I just didn't know who to call. Ok, Jon is my best friend, but he's not that great at giving advice and is alittle too wrapped up in his own life to pay attention to mine. Plus he leaves in just abount 2 weeks for new york and then well i'm even more alone then i am now.

I wanted to call Davis, but i know she works and is tired and i don't want to bother her with the same crap i've been talking about for months now. And then of course i feel like an ass, because i didn't appreciate her when she was her and now that she's gone i just cry because i want her to be here more then anything.
Deniz is here, but she lives far away, and is busy with work and a show right now and i don't want to bother her either with the same stuff i've been talking about.

So i called the last person i actually thought would listen to me..Delvis...and he made me feel a little better.Him and i have moved pass the whole y aren't we in a relationship thing. Right now we're just trying to be good friends to each other and letting things develop if they do and if they don't then they don't.

I told him about my bad day and how i had been thinking about Brian. I told him how i just didn't feel and self worth and was just so tired of being hurt and caring all this pain with me. He told me to stop crying, cuz he can't stand hearing me cry, then told me that I was one in a million and that i was going to find a guy that would treat me exactly the way i was suppose to me treated. That it's going to take some time to get over everything and that i just got to push through it and live through it.

And i know all these things. I know it's all a process and it's all a journey in this crazy world, but that doesn't mean it's not hard, and that there are just those days that i want to crawl into a hole and stay there.But i know that's not the answer. So what do I do?

"No more questions, please.
No more tests.
Comes the day you say, 'What for?'
Please.. no more."

"Hard to see the light now...Just don't let it go...Things will come out right now...We can make it so ...Someone is on your side, No one is alone."

SONG FOR 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-03T20:13:41Z

MICHAEL BUBLE LYRICS

"Feeling Good"

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

how sad....

2006-12-25T23:12:54Z

james brown died today...=(

I FEEL LIKE SHIT

2006-12-09T04:34:23Z

ok so i just finished checking my facebook, which i'm rarely on and now i feel like shit. So i'm just looking through it and I started to find some people i haven't talked to in years. Like people I haven't seen since middle school. OK, cool, I was all excited and then I see where all these people are at...USF, FSU, UCF, STESON, and the list goes on. And I just found myself stopping and feeling like utter shit.
I'm so frustrated right now with my college situation. I mean..i don't mind MCC..i actually like it there. It's mellow and easy going..very much like me. I just wish..i don't know...wish i hadn't fucked up two semesters and wish I was actually studying my major...wish i was transfering to USF in the spring like i had wanted too. Just wish a lot of things i guess.
I don't know why, but just seeing where all these people are at and knowing that we all went to school together at one time, and seeing where I'm at..well it just didn't make me feel good. For the first time I felt..well, I felt like a loser.

my birthday

2006-11-26T16:24:35Z

Today is my birthday!!!!!!! I'm 21 today!

made me laugh...

2006-09-23T19:07:24Z

"23. Do you like Bush: I was once a southern-baptist... i was once a republican... and i was once a non-violent person... things change."

thank you matt deicke for making me smile alittle today!

nervous

2006-08-25T22:52:55Z

every get that nervous feeling that you don't know if its nervous excited, like butterflies in your stomach or nervous like you feel like your going to throw up...i think i have a combo of both. That's how i feel right now waiting for someone to read this e-mail i sent them.

A Toast To Men......

2006-08-12T04:02:30Z

Girls..i'd like to make a toast on behalf of men...here's to the men we love...here's to the men who love us...here's to the men we love who DON'T love us..Fuck the men...LETS DRINK TO US!!!

* Next week is going to be crazy..i can feel it. My last week before school starts..i'm going out in style.

chiflada @ 2006-07-22T22:11:00

2006-07-23T02:11:28Z

myspace isn't working so decided to check up on the LJ people. I'm feeling better about a lot of things. Moving on,slowly moving on, but moving on atleast. Can't wait for school to start. I wish I would have taken summer classes. Work keeps me busy but i hate work and i like school. Jonathan is setting up an audition for me to try out for FAME, the Players is doing it. I haven't done a show since Booker. It could be fun...i miss singing. Well work tomorrow, followed by cleaning my room...isn't my life exciting!

chiflada @ 2006-07-09T10:32:00

2006-07-09T14:32:41Z

I feel like i have no purpose. i thought that we would get back together. i held on to it so hard. thought all he needed was some time, and then we'd be together again. he said he's tell me if he was going to see other people. if he was interested in someone else. and then last night what was left of my world came crashing down. He's seeing someone else....and when those words came out of his mouth i couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, all i could do was cry. Everything we had was a lie. All his feelings he "said" he had towards me were lies. and now i don't know what to do with myself. i'm at work right now and it takes every inch of strength in me to stop from breaking down. i don't know where the noelia i use to know went. all i want to do it lay on my bed and cry. for the past 7 months i held on to the last string i had attached to him, thinking if i held on tight enough i could pull him back toward me. now the string has broken and i'm falling with no one to catch me. i'm tired...so tired....i feel like i don't even have the strength to go on...i talk myself out of it all the time. why wasn't i good enough???why was i so easy to throw away?

aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-25T17:32:51Z

nothing at work to do. This is assssss!!!!!!

i wish there was a pill you could take to get over someone!

chiflada @ 2006-04-29T01:06:00

2006-04-29T05:07:50Z

So who wants to move for me, cause i don't want to do it anymore

Moving.

2006-04-28T01:53:46Z

Closed on the house yesterday. That was exciting. Today the whole family went to clean the place up and get ready to start moving our stuff in tomorrow. This weekend in going to be hell. Notonly do I have to move everything in the house, but I've got to find some time to study for my finals. Someone please shoot me.

chiflada @ 2006-04-22T23:34:00

2006-04-23T03:34:12Z

why am I such a procrastinator. Book report due monday on a book I haven't even started, Human body presentation monday, project not finished, and I have to work tomorrow. You'd think I'd learn and start working on things sooner so I don't get myself into these situations.

on to some better news. Closing for the house is Wednesday,so anytime after that we can start to move, can't wait!!!!

chiflada @ 2006-02-27T16:44:00

2006-02-27T21:54:28Z

Mom is home from New york. Thank GOD! I don't think I could have taken my sister any longer by myself. Saturday went to Islands of Adventure with Leana, Jonathan, and a friend of Leana's. We had a good time, all accept for the last hour that it rained and we got soaked. But since the trip only cost 20 dollars I shouldn't complain.
Mom wants us to start looking for another place to live. I guess some shit went down with my aunt in new york and mom doesn't want us living in her house any more. I don't know where we are goin to go, houses are so expensive right now.

chiflada @ 2006-02-15T14:39:00

2006-02-15T19:43:05Z

V-day went great. Had to cut it short, but wasn't his fault. I got a promise for dinner next week out of it, so it was all worth it. The pool house looked great. Decorated it all with valentine's day stuff, balloons, petals, candles, i went all out! And it was all well worth it! <3

From a Good Friend

2006-02-15T01:22:36Z

LOVE starts with a SMILE,
grows with a KISS,
and ends with a TEAR.
DON'T cry over anyone
who won't cry over you.
Good FRIENDS are hard to find,
harder to leave,
and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
ACTIONS speak louder than words.
The HARDEST thing to do
is watch the one you love,
love somebody else.
DON'T let the past hold you back,
you're missing the good stuff.
LIFE'S SHORT.
If you don't look around
once in a while you might miss it.
A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover,
HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.
Some people make the world
SPECIAL just by being in it.
BEST FRIENDS are the siblings
God forgot to give us.
When it HURTS to look back,
and you're SCARED to look ahead,
you can look beside you
and your BEST FRIEND will be there.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS.
Friends are FOREVER.
Good friends are like STARS
You don't always see them,
but you know they are ALWAYS THERE.
DON'T frown.
You never know who
is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person
who can make you stop crying
is the person who made you cry?
Nobody is perfect until
you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end.
If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of your life,
but only FRIENDS leave footprints
in your heart.
Send this on to everyone special
in your life,
even the people
who really make you MAD sometimes
and to the people
whose lives you want to be in!!!
And send it back to the person
who sent it to you
if they mean something to you!!
Remember, every minute spent angry
is sixty seconds of happiness wasted!

chiflada @ 2006-02-13T12:55:00

2006-02-13T18:02:17Z

mom left on friday. i started crying when we finally had to say good-bye. MY sister kept telling me to be strong, but i just couldn't hold it in. So now it's just my sister and the kids in the house. It's not too bad. I talk to my mom everyday and she seems ok. I know sh'es not really ok but she's getting through it. She said my grandmother looks alittle better and she might be able to leave the hospital. They don't know yet because sometimes it seems like shes fine and then over night she gets worse again.

Next saturday going to Islands of Adventure with MCC. I feel guilty going to have fun with all this stuff going on, but my mom said to go and get my mind off it all. Have some fun and just relax. I wish she could do the same.

Well tomorrow is V-DAY so everyone have a good one! <3<3<3<3<3<3

chiflada @ 2006-02-05T21:49:00

2006-02-06T02:59:20Z

my grandmothers cancer came back, and worse then it was before. The doctors say that she's not going to make it this time. They give her anywhere from 2-6 months to live. My mother is a mess. My mom never and I mean never cries. SHe's always the strong one, and she's just a complete mess. She leaves on friday to got to new york. She'll be there for a month, maybe longer depending on how my grandmother's health goes. Why i'm writing this here i don't know. I can't find the actually journal i keep and this is all i've been thinking about since we found out. The day she got out of surgery i talked to her. I don't think she even realized it was me, she was still so out of it. She kept asking about alex, adrianna, and scarlett, my nieces and nephew, said to take care of them. Both my mom and I broke down at work, we just couldn't hold it in any longer. I try not to cry in front of my mom cause i want to be the strong one, but then i just find myself alone at night crying so hard. I wish i could go to new york with my mom. I wish i could be by my grandmothers side. I wish i had friends to tell me that its going to be ok.

dog names

2006-01-09T02:31:56Z

just got a puppy. need help with a name.its a girl dachshund.

New Years Plans

2005-12-12T17:28:36Z

going to see Cirque du Soleil on new year eve,should be fun.