So, I'm adopting a cat tomorrow. I went and bought litter and food, etc for her today. But I've never met the cat, so I'm nervous as hell and (obviously) can't sleep because I'm worrying so much. She is a rescued cat who has been through three or four different homes now with only one year of life behind her. I couldn't go visit her because the person who has her now lives very far out. I am thinking right now it would have eased my mind a little more even if I would have had to drive a couple hours to do it. I have heard about the cat, but without meeting her it is very hard to tell whether our personalities will be right together. This in addition to my fears of whether or not I will be a good caretaker since this is the first pet I will be responsible for outside of my mother's house.

What's more, I believe I realized tonight another reason I have been so nervous and unsure about adopting a cat. I feel like I am betraying Button, my cat that stayed with my mother when I went away to college. I think I've kept hoping that I would be able to take her with me at some point. One reason I did not take her after college is of course that she is a very high-stress cat and I worried about how well she would do being moved away from the rest of her family. The other, and probably the main reason I have not kept her is that my mother is very attached to her, and I don't think it would do my mother's current depression any good to remove Button from her life. If I get another cat it is even less likely that I will be able take Button with me at any point because bringing her into a new household with another grown cat would be difficult on both animals.

What I am trying to do now is accept that I will not live with Button anymore. I took care of her when she was little and she was my cat, and still is in part. I am still the only one who can hold her without her crying about it too much. And she is still happy to see me when I visit. But I won't be able to take her with me. It Will do her better to stay in a home she is familiar with rather than changing her life half-way through it. And my mom needs her. But I shouldn't keep myself from getting another cat because of my attachment to Button. It's not like it's something she won't eventually get over, and it would be good for me to have a loving and cuddly friend to come home to every night and make me feel better when I am stressed or sad. Assumingly, it would reduce some of my daily anxiety, which can always use reducing. End story: I am going to bring a kitty home tomorrow which will be good for both her and myself. Because she needs a home and a caretaker, and I need a little fur-ball of unconditional love.

Now, since I've talked all this through - Hopefully - I can get some sleep tonight.